China

Me,Myself and I

My bags are all packed, it’s a beautiful sunny day, yet it’s cloudy on the inside,
I still don’t understand this feeling of emptiness that haunts me, unbelievably numb, not a single feeling.
I should be on cloud number nine by now, skipping from excitement but that’s not what I am doing, instead I chose to stay calm, cool and collected, in an attempt to avoid any bumps in the road, any predicted disappointments and any down hills.
I know that I am not that much loved; I can tell the difference between those who truly love me for me and others that are after an interest, the problem is that they don’t realize that I have nothing to offer them. I am ME. Yes as simple as that.
For someone that is emotionally crippled, it is hard for me to express myself in a healthy way as I always bottle up everything inside, I got so used to people leaving that it scares me to death to hold on to anyone .
We live in a selfish world. It’s a pity we all learn the hard way.

Salvation of a Nation

Different life stories I have heard and others that I have read, and for a second there it got me thinking of the kind of stories that I will leave behind. What was my life like in the eyes of other people?
This thought haunted me the whole day; unfortunately I already had the answer to that and it was crystal clear; it doesn’t take a genius to see that I was always walking on the tips of my toes ,beneath me was broken glass, around me burnt down walls, flames had eaten everything up and left nothing but dark ashes.
I still don’t understand why. I wish I could find answers to such a question.
Why do you keep insisting that he is your salvation? Why does such a little thought come between such a great friendship and the end of one?
It really bugs me that you have chosen that way, instead of walking with me on the same one;yet realizing that there is still a fork between both roads. I respect the path that leads you to your salvation and you respect mine, but without the need to even part.
I still don’t get why you acted this way, are you THAT scared of change? That terrified of being different?
And for me, I said it once and I’ll say it a thousand times again:”t doesn’t matter what your beliefs are as long as you have ones.”

Identity crisis

For unknown reasons, I have accustomed myself to the state of loneliness, and no matter how many people I am surrounded by this feeling haunts me.
There is always a corner of my mind that never wants to blend in, that enjoys being a flower on the wall, a corner that wants to be forgotten.
Nobody likes to feel this way and no one should.
It’s a burden that never seems to part me; and every time I remember that I can never be my true self in a society that is ruled by tradition, it suffocates me even more.
Freedom, no, it does not exist.
I don’t make my own decisions, they are made for me; all the dreams I have, all the places I wish to visit and all the people I miss, I may never have, visit, or see any of these. My life is an oral contract; the repetition of words, the many promises made that will never be delivered and in a bold underlined font it is obvious that is just an identity crisis.

Food

Isn't it?

It’s ridiculously funny and unbelievably absurd the fact that it never made sense and that it never will.
For people looking from the outside in, they just wouldn’t understand how beautiful ugly can sometimes be.
I find it highly illogical how for the past 26 years of my life, I have always managed to be at the wrong place mixing with the wrong crowd, never have I known a moment of righteous, never have I been given a moment of truth.
Isn’t it silly how we turn the simplest situation into complete complexity? We live on assumptions, theories and fairytales that will never take place.
I can’t help but find it ironic that it’s either nothing at all or everything at once; you find yourself either short in options or stuck in a maze of never ending opportunities yet none of which that could possibly interest you or meet your needs.
It is relevantly stupid the fact that cupid throws arrows at people’s heart causing them unseen yet severely felt pain.
It is a shame how we play the game but never follow the rules and it is always the players that get away with it.
Isn't it sad the fact the we all know, that once something is broken, it is never the same again?

Single to twinkle-Can you handle it?

I say what I want whenever I feel like it; I will not stop, hesitate and overanalyze to think about it.
Because words are only alphabets arranged, but the thoughts in your head are untouched but estranged.
Don’t lock yourself up in a scrabbled sheet, with too many worries beneath your feet,
A blank white page is what makes the heart beat, bottled up emotions come to surface to meet.
Feelings should not be imprisoned, nor should they be contained, you have them for a purpose,
Speak up, they should be used and not be chained; lighten one’s heart with loving bliss.
I will not calculate my actions anymore; I will not play things by the book,
I will open the reaction door, and I will restore back all the things time took.
Boundaries and limits are only fiction in the mind, they are manmade
I refuse to define myself this way, be underlined, and to become just a shade.
People should be more honest and should say what they truly feel,
Fear of rejection? Insecurity? detached? Too many differences? Just turn the wheel.
Too many frustrations and let downs, chase those negativities away,
Laughter awaits you in the next town, embrace happiness today.
The rainbow in your heart no one can steal, be spontaneous, and let down your guards,
Live for the moment, make it real, dance in madness, love to the fullest, put down your cards.
In a poker game, I am your high card, life is a gamble,
I dare you to take a chance, question is: “ are you really able to handle?”.

Remedy

Two different states of mind; one wants to go back to the start, and the other wants me to run to that finish line.
Temporary happiness; driven by the rush, by the fear of getting caught, complete chaos and little understanding of the whole picture.
Maybe that’s the way we were meant to live, the way we were meant to love; more action, less talking, more giving, less analyzing.
But when we finally see the whole thing, we laugh, we laugh out in insanity knowing that laughter is the best remedy to every torn heart.

Here comes the sun

Drawing cubicles and scrabbling circles on a white sheet of paper, I wonder how long he’s been doing that for. I could see the intensity flowing from his body; you could tell he wasn’t happy. It was evident that something was on his mind, something that would not let him rest at ease.
I approach him with a smile, he smiles back only to continue what he was doing, this time his hands were drawing faster and it wasn’t a surprise to me that he almost ripped the paper as the impact of the pen got deeper.
I sat next to him, I said nothing, I just watched him draw those straight lines forming what looked like a black cloud. But something usual happened half an hour later.
He looked at me again, smiled and asked if I have any kind of eraser with me, corrector, rubber, anything.. I just nodded my head and gave him one.
While he was erasing all that he has drawn, I was thinking to myself that I have seen and felt this kind of frustration; I have witnessed what it does to others and how cruel it can be, but I can’t help but be fascinated by what this guy was doing!
He was making more eye contact now and he feels comfortable enough to say:”A mountain of ashes piled up and with the right wind, it gets blown in your face..Yes, it all piles up, you try to hide it and you do a pretty good job at it, but in the end it finds you.”
“If you don’t mind me asking, what is it that’s bothering you this much? So much that you want to erase it all?” I said.
“Do you see those cubicles I drew?” He said.
“What about them?” I replied.
“The cubicles are your thoughts trapped in the word “impossible” , nothing is impossible, you determine the limits, the boarders, the obstacles ,your mind and heart are trapped in these lines, I was only setting you free by erasing them” he then carried on saying “ see those circles I drew?..These represent the same old cycle that you managed to put yourself in through the years, it has no beginning and no ending, and you are walking in life with no aim, so oblivious to all the beauty ahead. I did you a favor and erased them too”
“But you left the lines…you know the black cloud…” I whispered.
“Yes, I am aware of that, this cloud represents your attitude towards life, towards things and people, I cannot control your feelings but I try to steer them in the right direction” he explained.
“But why is it black? I am smiling, I am happy!” I said to him as though he read my thoughts.
“Just because you are smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that you are happy..And just because you are crying doesn’t really have to mean that you are sad, most of life’s worries make you smile despite of how you are feeling as a result of frustration, because you know it is out of your control, and a lot of happy moments are accompanied by joyful tears after a long wait, you start receiving.”He explained.
“But why the straight lines? What do they stand for?” I curiously asked.
“The straight lines are a reminder to never cheat yourself, to always be honest about where you stand and what you fight for, and they are straight because once a word is said you can never take it back, once an action takes place you can never change it, and once a heart breaks nothing can ever fix it..So remember to always be kind to others, to treat them they way you love being treated ,always try to be fair .However should a word be spoken let it be of truth, an action taken let it be out of love and compassion and should a heart break give it a new home. Never be cruel” He added.
After that I realized that it is only normal to have black clouds over your head from time to time, after all it makes you humane… and rain? Rain it never hurt anyone :)

Personal quote

"Always keep your standards high, this way people will reach you without you having to steep low to get to them" Me

Words never solved anything

Words never solved anything
I wish my words could comfort you, in your fortress of grief.
I wish my hugs help you from drowning in your stream of tears.
I know it is difficult to imagine a day without our loved ones.
And you’re left with bloody pictures and a room with loaded guns,
When life kidnaps them and doesn’t leave room for goodbyes,
You try to stop the tears and convince yourself of lies;
Yes he’ll be back again; yes we’ll meet one day
But we both know that’s just things people say

Empty

Empty...My glass is always empty.
pour me another glass of sadness.
mix it with a powerful taste of pain.
Empty...my life is so empty.
Not surrounded by loved ones.
Not having the strength to smile to a stranger.
Empty...my heart is so empty.
wind goes through my soul,
leaving me ashes and shadows of the past,
Empty..my glass is always empty.
I never saw it half full,
must be my bad luck.

Autumn

People always leave me. I always end up left behind. They don't remember me, But their memory lives in me. Everybody numb to my existence, But I ache for their discovery. Their backs is all I see, to see my face,they are blind. Their love exclusive A stranger, out of that circle. They walk into people's lives, and walk out of mine. I wish I had the courage, But the fact remains that I am a coward. I am terrified of change.

H A P P I N E S S

What is it?

"Happiness: A state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy. 1] A variety of philosophical, religious, psychological and biological approaches have striven to define happiness and identify its sources. Philosophers and religious thinkers often define happiness in terms of living a good life, or flourishing, rather than simply as an emotion.

Happiness in this older sense was used to translate the Greek Eudaimonia, and is still used in virtue ethics." Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia So basically it differs from one person to another. I just find it cynical that my name means Joyce and yet I can't quite define what it really means.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm a very optimistic person, I love life, this wasn't always the case but it is now,,,aaanyway back to the point, we see happy people everywhere and yes they do exist, even in Jordan,,,You just have to dig a bit deeper to get a smile out of them and you will eventually, it doesn’t even have to be with teeth, because then you'd really be pushing it and asking for your life to end, but on the other side you would've witnessed a miracle, ha ha having that said, I can HAPPILY drop my sarcasm and somehow finish this note so it can make sense to you as much as it does to me. I must warn you though that I haven't slept yet so maybe next I read it, it wouldn’t make sense to me either! What's happiness? And don't tell me seeing someone you love, or a mother holding her baby, or any of this cliché that I've heard before, because the way I see it, finding your happiness couldn’t possibly be related to someone else, I mean it's nice, I believe it all stands on finding yourself, "or on someone finding you if you really suck with directions?" no, seriously forget what I just mentioned before because I know you all won't let me off the hook! =)

Let's have a heart-to-heart conversation here, did you have one of these "lasting happy" moments, not the ones that make you smile for like five minutes because someone has done something nice to you, or because your friend did something stupid and made you laugh your a** off, or because you were watching something funny that reminded you of someone, I don't believe I found it yet, but I have a feeling that I'm on the right track, what about you guys? Care to share?...*now that sounded soooo lame!* *And no I'm not drunk or high, I'm just a philosopher…Although I can't compete with this certain person's philosophy and yes don't act like you don't know it! lol.

Oh well Love you and leave you.

P.S: Please don't kill me after reading this load of shit,I am only 25,young and beautiful and I have my whole life ahead of me <33

Anonymous Me

What happened?
Who are you? But then again who am I?
I’m sorry but I don’t recognize you.
Have we met before?
I stand before you as you reflect me in the mirror,still..I don’t know you..
Strangers we’ve become.

The day music died

Funny how many days have passed, how many suns have risen, how many moons have slept, how many times has it rained and still promises they echo in those empty deserts, and the lines said fly along with the golden sands in the ever so foggy sky.

The same song, the never changing lullaby, the music that plays on and on with the same floating notes, the same humming voice, the guitar strings that dance in sadness, they ask not for remorse, they speak not of regret, they say the words of burden; the guilt that wants to be set free.

And days have died while others were born, a new sun to shine, a new moon after dawn, a universe ever so quiet, skies ever so peaceful, and no trace to promises, no record to words, and no sad melody in the playing, a burden shifted and forgiveness granted, a world free of guilt all on the expense of a heart.

That day the taste of food was better, vision became clearer, the world looked like an adventure all over again, everything became more exciting and full of opportunities, I saw the world with new eyes and lived after I died a thousand times;
A breeze of fresh air, a colorful sky and a sunny day, what more can one ask for?
It might have taken me a while to get there, but life as I once knew it has all changed,
It's all grown up now; the roads on which I will set my first steps as an adult graduate in this life are already paved.
Flowers on the sides, tulips of every color, I choose to live in peace and keep my sanity where music doesn’t hurt, where words don't cut, I'm walking down a silent road for once; a road where music has died, where it never existed.

Solar System

Believe in me, said a falling star to the sun, as its dust danced all over the open space.
Believe that I serve a certain purpose in this life; it may not have a great effect like yours, I may not light up a room with my smile, but I can sure make this dim prettier with my twilight.
I may not dazzle the eyes like you but I'm up there to please the eyes too.
Are you the daughter of our pale moon? Asked the sun.

I have no parents ma'am, but I was blessed with so many sisters and brothers hanging next to me in this darkly ever so lonely sky, replied our stardust. However every night we hold hands and make a prayer as we embrace earth and frost it with our necklace shaped hug.

The sun with great astonishment: My! But what good comes out of it?? For instance my rays give warmth and growth, but a little helpless star? What difference do you make?

After what seemed to be a long pause, the star smiled and said the following:

We, the stars, are beauty to the eyes. We are stories untold and yet other still undiscovered.
What people see from down there, are brothers and sisters I've lost up here, down there, they still sparkle and shine, when up here they disappeared centuries ago and with them their stories are lost too. In that we teach people "FAITH".

Every night we are mentioned, we are the lullaby that mothers sing to their babies before they sleep, we give comfort in knowing that we are young too, and that we are aware that our light will be turned off from the sky one day, yet from down there people would still see us and know that we existed, thus we represent hope for the future, the fact that no matter how big or small you do, you would still be remembered and loved. So we are the stone of "CONFIDENCE".

Last but not least they call us shooting stars or moreover and even better falling stars because we are not afraid to try, failure is just a word, we are not intimidated by it, because we know that after any failure there is great success, so when we fall we fall hard and when we shine, we shine strong . Having this said we teach them "SURVIVAL".

Do you think they'll ever look at the sky the same way they did? Asked the glittering star.

I doubt they will ,answered the sun as it set.



Never underestimate people, never judge a book by its cover, because if we do, we wouldn’t have the time to love each other.
You are all stars in my sky and I love each and every one of you.